Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Trials, Errors, & Loss

This summer has been frustrating.
Trying.
Disappointing. 
And depressing.
Thus, the lack of posts.  

My beloved little greenhouse got wind blown straight over and snapped 1/2 my beautiful tomato plants in half. I lost about half of my seedlings. :( 

The soil I purchased for my raised beds was from a trusted source, so I did not test it. BIG fail. I didn't realize anything was wrong until people were picking ripe tomatoes from their garden and mine had not even bloomed. The PH level was through the roof. I amended the soil with gypsum salt and within a week I had blooms. The tomatoes were cracked at harvest though. The carrots never made it, most never even sprouting. I planted 2 packets of seeds and harvested maybe 10. The eggplants did AMAZING! I have never seen bigger eggplants in my life. Alas, my family did not enjoy eating them. We did eggplant lasagna and eggplant Parmesan.  Maybe when my kid isn't I-don't-like-anything-but-candy years old, we will try again. The green chile, jalapeños and habaneros all did fantastic. We harvested 20 lbs total. Bell peppers did ok, they were all very funky looking, they never developed the bottoms 'bumps' and sort of grew to a tip. Still delicious though. Lettuce and spins he did great but I felt like a lot of it went to waste as we were not eating it fast enough. The rabbits enjoyed it though. 

My computer had a freak out moment while transferring ALL of my garden photos of the season and I lost them all. Thus, no pictures, only fabulous tales of harvests. 

All of this was peanuts after the start. 

I lost a pregnancy.

 We discovered I was pregnant, two weeks before Mother's Day. It was unplanned and a very big surprise. We had just enough time for the news to sink in, and start to be really excited about it when I became very ill one day. I was just over 8 weeks pregnant and had told our mothers the news for Mother's Day,  but were not revealing it to anyone else just yet. 

May 29th was a typical day. The kids were down for their nap and I was enjoying some quiet time on the couch when I felt an incredibly sharp pain in my abdomen, on the left side. It brought instant tears to my eyes, and felt like I was being stabbed from the inside. This was about 2pm. After an urge to BM, I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for an hour in pain. My mind? In complete denial. I thought it was just gas, as I had just eaten a hamburger (the 1st of any meat at all since before Christmas, as we had been eating vegan for several months) and was sure my tummy was not happy. I threw up repeatedly in my sons step stool while still on the toilet, and began texting any family member I could think was available to come help me watch the kids. One by one they began to wake up, needing snacks and attention that I was unable to give. I finally reached my mom who came over as fast as she could. I made my way to the couch and could only double over in pain. I spoke to my midwife who said it could be many things including miscarriage, ectopic or maybe gas, and recommended an ultrasound. Problem was, I would have to get there in 20 minutes, or they would close. 

Not possible. 

I had parents of 4 kids coming to pick them up and none had met my mom before. Besides, this was just gas, right? I'm fine. The baby's fine. It will pass. 

I hid in the bathroom in pain when their parents came. All the while I was texting a dear friend who had been through several miscarriages. She assured me, none had caused her this much pain and there would most likely be blood. It's got to be just gas.

 I didn't have insurance at the time and was fearful of how much a visit would cost. 

My husband came home and my mom left, assuring me it was just gas. Everything was fine. 
 
It was 6 o'clock. I couldn't eat. The pain would waver off and then come back. Just gas?
Spoke to my midwife again and she urged me to go to the hospital and get looked at, but left the decision up to me. 
It's just gas. That damn greasy hamburger. 

At 6:30 I started to bleed, fresh red blood. It's gone, I thought. The baby is gone. I was having a miscarriage. I texted my friend. At this point she also urged me to go to the hospital. None of her miscarriages caused this much pain or vomiting. Something's wrong. I looked up 'ectopic pregnancies' online. I had only briefly heard of them before. When I was done reading the Wikipedia description, I told my husband I needed to go to the hospital. 

Ectopic Pegnancy;
An ectopic pregnancy, or eccysis, is a complication of pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterine cavity.

The catchy line was;

'An ectopic pregnancy is a potential medical emergency, and, if not treated properly, can lead to death'

The symptoms were described as exactly what I was experiencing. The pain was getting worse. I was at the hospital by 7 looking a hot mess. Uncontrollable sobbing, snot leaking from my face at a rate I couldn't wipe away because I was keeling over in pain, holding on to my abdomen. I was rolled through the door while my 3 year old watched. They knew what it was immediately when I said I was 8 weeks along. 

They gave me three doses of pain killers before the pain started to subside. I had to pee in a cup in a wheeled chair-potty with help from an incredibly hot male nurse.

Just shoot me already. 

It was shift change. Chaos. 
Every male employee of that hospital belonged on General Hospital. Maybe it was the drugs, but good gravy, they were so good looking. Which made every part of this experience more painful and somewhat embarrassing. I had 5 vaginal ultrasounds and two surface ones. I had to show my dirty, bloody underwear to a 22 year old, hot, student nurse with my legs spread, butt on a pillow, 10 feet away from 35 other people with only a sheet separating us. 

And I was losing my baby. 

We had just chosen a girls name, two days earlier. 

My phone was dying, my husband was not allowed in the ER, and the last time I saw my son was when I was being wheeled in. 

I had so much fluid the doctors could not find the fetus. Three different doctors examined me. The ER doctor, twice, the On Call OBGYN, the two of them together, and then the sonographer. Where was it? Was there one heartbeat? Or two? Was there a rupture? No one could give an answer. 
What was certain was that it was the left side, and there was fluid, and there was at least one heartbeat. They could not say 100% if there was a rupture but they were pretty sure. Surgery was required. If the tube was ruptured they may have to remove it.

 Please sign these forms. 

They finally let my husband sneak in at 10pm. My son was with my mom for the night. 

At 11pm they wheeled me to the operating floor. Arrangements were made with the hubs for an end/pick up time and we asked any questions we had for the surgeon. Anesthesia was given and I faded into black. 

I woke up at 2am. Twelve hours had passed since my baby had grown too large for my left fallopian tube, where it had implanted just two weeks earlier. The tube had ruptured causing me to bleed internally. The fetus was removed and the tube was able to be repaired. The surgery was microscopic, so I had three 10mm incisions on my stomach. One was inside my belly button. 

There was a plump nurse sitting next to me with a sympathetic and kind face. We were in a desolate recovery room. Eight beds and one patient, one nurse. My lips were swollen and chapped, but only on the right side. I immediately attempted to wet them with my tongue. It felt like sandpaper on a fresh wound. Tearing the soft, tender skin of my puffy lips. The nurse was ready with a stick of Chapstick and applied it. Next, ice chips. My throat was on fire. I had had cotton and tubes in my mouth, down my throat. I sobbed silently. She was kind and held my hand in silence.

Very shortly after, the only person who could feel my pain walked in. 

We went over after care and I had to pee before I could leave due to the catheter. I was given a prescription for pain killers and stool softeners, and sent home. 

At 4am I climbed the stairs to my bed. 

At 6am I finally slept. 

I lost my baby. 
24 hours ago I was pregnant. 
Now, I am not. 






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